So after tonight, I realized something.

I realized that I deserve so much more. Whatever shit you're trying to tell me has only proved to be your twisted way of making me feel guilty. And you know what, for a while, I believed you. I thought maybe I never learned from my past relationship. That perhaps, you were right all along. But I'm tired of you making me feel like the shitty girlfriend you made me believe that I am. I've tried. You said you wanted things to change. And I said I wanted things to change. We agreed to compromise. And guess what? After tonight, where the fuck were the compromises. Did you expect something. I'm sorry about the situation, but I'm not apologizing to you. Because it was not my damn fault. How fucking immature can you get. Have some consideration.

Time and time again, people have told me that you were never good for me. Those who care have come up to me and told me straight out that I deserved better. That I needed to find someone who would not end up making me feel like shit every other second of the damn day. And time and time again, I would tell them that I knew what I was doing. That it was worth being with you. But now, I'm beginning to realize that maybe they're right. That maybe I was fighting a lost cause. That maybe I really did not know what I was doing. I wanted to prove to them that they were wrong, and that it was worth fighting for. And I would want more than anything for you to prove them wrong as well. But so far, you've only helped prove them right each time.

"I really like you." Well, why don't you say that honestly for once, instead of having your fucking dick saying that for you everytime. Whatever happened to compromises? Yeah, just fuck that shit. Don't matter. It was all talk.

3:35 AM.

I'm blogging, ftw!

My last update was like, in the summer. How unfortunate. A whole fall quarter goes unblogged once again! Now how am i going to update the last three months of my life in one sentence..

Once upon a breezy cold winter morning,
mMm.. Merry be-lated Christmas? =)



Maybe I should start updating about my day. Perhaps, years later, I can read this and recall exactly what I did on December 27th, 2oo8.

So! I woke up (that's a given). Ate a satisfying breakfast, and started recording a video clip for Ellen's rush video about why I joined Sigma Omicron Pi (so that means I will be on film at our next rush slideshow, suh-weet). Texted Patrick, but he never really responded to my last text. Oh well...I guess. =/ Cleaned my room all morning, feeling rather bored and kinda perplexed.

Then...the spontaneity begins with john picking me up to go to Frys and Costco...which led to southcoast with Vivian and Nichole...and ditching Pho restaurant due to a void discount of "50% off Pho Ga"...

...which THEN capped the random night with a spontaneous trip to Huntington beach, discovering a resort / spa nearby, warming ourselves next to the mini bonfire, and dancing in the parking lot. Oh, and doing certain public indecency in the sand (no worries, nothing sexual...more along the line of, "you gotta do what you gotta do") If you don't understand what I'm talking about, don't worry about it. If you do, good job. And see? Nothing dirty or sexual =)

Afterwards, we all headed back to the comfort of our cozy beds at 1-ish am. What a fantastic night, I must say!

Fun times ♥

Yay, I guess this update should make up for my MIA status for the while. =)



>> vegas trip pix =)


Vegas: free Paris Hotel weekend
Courtesy of my boss (Dr. Bui)'s christmas gift
to each of his employee. ;-)


me, vivian, dustin, nichole, john.



Aren't we SO cute. =)



This could look potentially dirty.




good night. =)

Phew.

Okay. After scrambling around my room for an hour or two, decorating every corner and wall, I now feel all pooped out. Disappointedly enough, there's still quite a heap of clutter here and there. It's an organized chaos! I can feel around and know exactly where things are, but I still gotta make my way through the maze of suitcases and clothes lying around. Packing for San Diego while remodeling my room simultaneously was not the greatest idea after all...*smacks forehead* Oy..




Looking around, I guess my room pretty much reflects my life as of right now. Like I mentioned before, everything's an organized chaos. I know what I'm doing now: focusing on working full-time and making them monies while balancing out my time with my family and friends back home. Yet, my future is all fogged up! I don't know where I'm heading. I don't know what obstacles I must face this year. I don't know if fall quarter will be smooth sailing into winter and spring. I don't know how I will deal with the impending stress. My school schedule is a mess as of right now. My pursuit to become a Pediatrician seems more hopeless and discouraging. Those bumps I endured this year have affected me in ways I never expected. Yet, I still managed to pick myself up and keep going. But I've left such a sad mess behind. I need to clean up the loose ends and cluttering thoughts that have flipped my optimism 180 degree into the negative zone. I need to be strong. I need to focus. I need to concentrate on myself, do some soul-searching.



So, what am i doing with my life here?!


I need a sign.
I need to re-decorate my life.





...God, where are you? :(

I've seen the tears they cry
When it's time for goodbye--
I didn't want to be the one
who's asking why.
I didn't think that I would ever feel so strong,
but now I know that I was wrong.

but,
Who needs to feel that way?
Who needs those words to say?
Who wants to give their heart ,
To watch it fade away.
Cause I made up my mind;
I didn't want to know.
Why should I find the love that isn't here to stay?





everything seems like nothing but a faded dream now.
hohum.
__________________________


Hi.

It's rather ridiculous how I constantly have a million thoughts twirling through my head, weaving their ways forward and back until they all become one amazing tangle of a web. And yet, when I finally decide to sit down on my bed to blog about a handful of these annoying little buggers, I get so tongue-tied. To make matters worse, these little buggers would run and hide in those little dumb holes they've conveniently dug for themselves until the light turns off. Right when my eyes shut, they'd gleefully pop out once more and begin their endless twirls around the oh-so-tired-that-i'm-ready-to-explode head of mine again until morning.

Repeat.


My mom and Little bro @ San Diego Viewpoint.


Ugh, how annoying. I'm tired of thinking. Lets just have some fun! =)


But what fun? It's all work and no play. =( Heh, just kidding. Some play is allowed. Yet, i find that as I get older, my years seem to yawn and stretch themselves even moreso. Certain things no longer have their sparks. Kinda bland, if you ask me. Friendships become more difficult to hold onto. People got things to do, and new friends to see. Or, things to see, and new [insert gender] to do. Heh.

Work is actually a refreshing time for me. I find myself comfortably drowning in tons of paperworks, files, claims, bills, phonecalls, and xray films throughout the day. Which is surprisingly...well, nice. Regardless of how I complain about waking up early and working 8-9 hours straight, work still keeps me distracted from those annoying strays of thoughts nonetheless. Something I'm grateful for. =)


bloop.

My utmost apology for neglecting this blog for quite a while now.
______________________________


So to make it up--cheers to the longest update ever...no, not really.


mMm...currently listening to: "I Can Not Forget" - Ebru



Hm...It's not that i don't have anything to write about, it's more along the line of what SHOULD i write about. Where should I start? So much has happened, but I don't know how personal i can get in this little blog of mine here...

Well, for one thing, I know a lot of people think that I moved on pretty fast after my breakup with my ex. I guess there's nothing I could really say to that because honestly, there really is nothing i CAN say to that. I mean, it's not that i moved on fast. I just felt it wasn't fair to beat around the bush, waiting for someone who would never have waited for me. to mope over someone who could've indifferently just pushed me away like that. to make someone my priority when i have only been his option all this time. Why should I let my time pass when I could be out there making the most of my time and being free to let opportunities come to me?

You know the saying, "Out of Sight, Out of Mind"? I guess it holds some truth. Yeah, I absolutely miss those days when we were together. Yeah, I think about it a lot at night before I sleep, wondering.. Because of him, I got so used to always holding my phone in my hand everywhere I go, even when I'm sleeping. hahaha...It's just because I'm so used to getting phone calls from him or calling him whenever one of us was on our break between classes or work. And especially at night. Sigh. I do get sad thinking about these things...but I can't figure out whether I miss him or if I just miss what was.


On a lighter note, eeyore and jellybeans.
hehehehe...


distractments, much? ;)

School's over. Halfway through college.
God, I'm so old now.
I wish I could just stop time.
I don't feel old. I'm still a kid at heart, I swear. I get excited over the littlest things, it scares me sometimes--heh, heh. =) But hey, according to most, I still look like a jailbait ;) This will come to my advantage 10 years from now, so HAH! Anyways, school ended on a bittersweet note. I moved into my new apartment. I feel so grown up now *smirks* No, not really.

Lets rewind.

Now, I just need to return to San Diego one of these days and unpack, clean, and sort everything out there.

BUT. FIRST... VIETNAM, HEREEE I COMEEEE!!! i'm SO excited.
Rest assured that I will have PLENTY of pictures and stories to tell when i come back a month later. Until then, enjoy these pictures from the first few days of summer <3

______________________
TRIP TO INDIO (Palm Springs) ! :)


on our way to indio...2+ hours drive can make us go kwasy.


checkin out resort suite.. :)


pooooool time! :D




massive orgy on the bed, whooo.



soooo pretty. our resort. :)



the 5 girls. <3

me and nichole in front of the really really pretty pond/waterfall.



random snake...hahaha.


awww...goodbye Indio! :(




THE END.
the rest are on facebook. you know where to go. ;)

Hi.


Time flies when you're having fun...not. More like keeping myself busy with distractments here and there. :)



hehe.


making hte most of sungod.



oh the things we do.



this concludes my stay at UCLA.

1.11.o8 balboa park. you&me.

I believe in memories...they look so, so pretty when I sleep. ='/



Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one...
to build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breathe.
I felt i was in way too deep, guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming, I should have started running
A long, long time ago.
And i never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you.
More than you know...
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now i'm picking up the pieces.
putting my heart back together.

And when you slammed the front door shut,
a lot of others opened up.
So did my eyes so i could see that you never were
the best for me.

And now i'm picking up the pieces,
putting my heart back together.

fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.


if anything, it's my fault for not seeing it. for trusting too much.
for seeing the better in people too much. for forgiving and
giving someone a second chance when I shouldve known all along,
i'd just be hurt in the end. again.





mMm happy whatever month.


i thought i made you happy.
if everything you did for me meant something,
then tell me why you can't even try.

how i wished things woulda happened so differently,
i tried to say this many times but still you couldn't see..
you kept insisting that you would not [hurt] again.
but had to wake up, face reality.
but in the end...
it all just seemed too good to be true,
after all you put me through.


things will eventually fall into place.
they always do..
they have to.




just gotta keep looking forward to the better things in life.

I'M BAAAACK! :)

yayayay I FINALLY CROSSED!
NO more pledging!

it's been almost a month since i've blogged.
First thing first...
Sigma Omicron Pi. =)

introducing...Lambda Class!




Lambda Social; us and our pledge bros



:) some of the stuff my big sis got me wen crossing.



me + BIG SIS :D


twin + me + big bro + pledge sis/twin + john + pledge sis =)

________________________________________________-

Old updates:

SPRING BREAAAK 08 :)

bonfire.


we're the tragedy/comedy faces. :D


tam's a creep..


make a wish, 1111 :)...well thats what this picture reminds me of. lol.

TIDE POOL!




run!





he was on the phone...and i got bored...


so i decided to make faces and get his attention...


i guess i finally got his attention :)


yay!


dessert. :)



SO ONCE UPON A TIME during spring break...


so one day i decided to take the train myself and visit him at work in riverside.


then we went downtown and to this pretty hotel :)


hehehe i made him take this pic.


:) we are glowing..


so prettyyyy. :)



THE END. more updates on the 'morrow :D

* March 2o, 2008 *



There's no combination of words,
I could put on the back of a postcard.
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-toned loving.

Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing,
it's always better when we're together.





I believe in memories
they look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
There is no, no song I could sing
and there is no combination of words I could say
but I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together.


FINALS ARE DONE.
*burns Ochem book*

oh wait...one more quarter of that dreaded class. *retrieves book and sets it aside...for now.*
sigh. at least i made it this far.
babe...
thanks for all the support. thanks for coming down to SD just to comfort me through finals week. if it weren't for you, i'd probably go nuts over 239048309 organic reactions and formulas that can suck physics' nuts. AND the breakfast and sunflowers definitely brightened my mood. <3 style="font-weight: bold;">oh! and...happy 0th anniversary baby! :)




remember our first kiss. it was at the sunset too... ;)




They say...
if you [like] something let it go.
And if it comes back then that's how you know.
I got to the stop light,
then I made 4 rights
now I'm back where I started...
and you're back in my life.


promise me it'll only get better from now on! :)